Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，FML

Today, I saw a lenbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lenbian too, and they were hot. FML

今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”FML

*/-51*/-51

Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver, they drank too much and on the way home hooked up in the back seat. FML


今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……FML

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说 至少你还是诚实的 FML

*/-51*/-51

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球， 其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。 然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

今天我才发现谁在过去5个月里面一直跟踪我 ， 我们是男女朋友关系。 FML

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候 老妈的手穿过了帘子 把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my 小甜饼s. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the 小甜饼s are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干， 结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是 我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML

Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck in an elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML

今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了， 然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

今天，我在酒吧见到一个帅哥。我们谈了一会而且十分合得来~~我们最后决定一起去我的公寓。进门之后，她说：“把这乱七八糟的东西好好收拾收拾，也许我们下次还可以再继续”。我差点疯掉……我公寓刚刚被抢劫了……FML

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML

地对地导弹地对地导弹的

Today, I met a really hot guy at a bar. We talked for a while and really seemed to hit it off. We ended up going to my apartment. He stopped and said, "Clean up this mess and maybe we could do something another time." I am a complete neat freak - my apartment had been robbed and trashed. FML

今天，我在酒吧见到一个帅哥。我们谈了一会而且十分合得来~~我们最后决定一起去我的公寓。进门之后，她说：“把这乱七八糟的东西好好收拾收拾，也许我们下次还可以再继续”。我差点疯掉……我公寓刚刚被抢劫了……FML

Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me ＄20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML

今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was on top. I was really into it and in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said "oh, look at the time, I gotta get home". She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML

Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML

各位、我来了。
再次声明一下，这个帖子是我转过来的，并不是我翻译的，我没那么高的英语水平。呵呵、看着有趣就转到这跟大家一起分享。

PS：回楼上想看婚纱照的朋友、我8号照的，至少要一个月之后才能取片呢。

好了、言归正传，继续更新：

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was gay. The 执行utor read it out loud. My mom was the only one who knew. FML

今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的**比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML

完了 这贴被水王..........

95、Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML

、Today, I got a ＄200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

今天，我醒来以后发现我的狗丢了。我花了将近一个小时去找它，直到我那脑子有点问题的前女友发了张它的照片给我。她把它绑架了。开车到那里以后，她用油漆弹朝我的车开枪。现在我不仅没狗，还多了辆五彩斑斓的车。FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have sex with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

今天，我问了交往了将近十个月的男友，他最希望和哪五个女人OOXX。我排第三。我妈排第二。FML

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I undressed and then proceeded to throw up all over the rug. FML

今天，我的猫和我一起在浴室里。我脱了衣服准备冲个澡。猫在我脱光了衣服以后看了看我，然后就在小毯上吐得到处都是。FML

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

今天，我和我男朋友大吵了一架。我给他打了手机，在上面和他大吵大闹。他跟我说如果我不再想跟他了的话，现在就把电话关上吧。我刚想跟他说我仍然很爱他，不想分手的时候，我手机没电了。FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

今天，我和我的男朋友一家看电影。电影演到了一处特别火辣的OOXX的镜头。当我看到他的爸爸准备用遥控器快进的时候，我感到很欣慰——可是他却（不小心）把电影调成了慢进。结果这镜头我们尴尬地看了将近三分钟，他才解决了这个问题。FML

Today, I was cuddling with the guy I like. I looked into his eyes and said, "Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean." He replied by saying, "Your eyes are so brown... like my shit". FML

今天，我在和一个我喜欢的男生亲热。我看着他的眼睛，说：“你的眼睛真蓝……像大海一样。”他回答，“你的眼睛真褐……像我的屎一样。”FML

Today, my hunband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML

Today, my hunband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

今天，我结婚了三年的老公跟我说他跟我求婚的唯一理由是因为那天他最喜欢的美式足球队赢了所以他喝醉了。我在三天前生的第二个孩子。FML

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

今天，一只蚂蚁蛰了一下我的JJ。这是有史以来第一张碰过我JJ的“嘴”。FML

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I recieved a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent ＄1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

今天，我飞到了新西兰，去给我正在那里旅游的女友一个惊喜。在新西兰机场我收到了一条短信：她想要和我分手。我住在密歇根州，花了1500美刀，就为了这场浪漫的“惊喜”。FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”FML

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

今天，我庆祝了我的21岁生日。我3年的男朋友给了我一个巨大的粉色ZW器。我以为这是个玩笑，就说：“只要你还在，我就用不上这玩意！”他的回答：“……这就是我想要和你谈谈的事情。”FML

Today, my wife has been singing "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, all morning. She started singing it right after we had sex. FML

今天，我老婆一早上都在唱滚石乐队的《我得不到满足》。她在我们OOXX完就开始唱。FML

109、Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my hunband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

今天，我去看我儿子的足球赛。我笑容灿烂地大声欢呼着他的名字。我看到他和他的队友耳语了几句，所以我在晚上又看了遍我老公的录像。他的朋友问的是：“那是谁？”我儿子回答：“我不认识的肥Biao子。”FML