Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's peni/s, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那玩意和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那玩意了。迪伦的那玩意和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML

Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML

day, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

今天，我第一次在一个美术课当**模特。班级唯一的要求是我在被观察的时候绝对不能动。几秒钟以后我就注意到了一个非常火辣的女孩在画我——于是我硬了。FML

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

今天，我半夜偷摸地跑出房子去了。我和我爸碰了个正着——他拿着酒，准备进到另一栋房子里去。我当时没猜他有外遇还是什么的，直到他说：“如果你不说，我就不说——求求你别告诉你妈。”FML

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend ＄20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML

Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML

今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

今天我的BF和我在床上缠绵。突然，一句吆喝从外面传来：“嘭！鼹鼠来喽！”我BF停止了动作，兴奋地看着我说：“卖冰激凌的来啦！”然后他把我抛在一边，拿着他的衣服就冲出了房门。FML

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's peni/s, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

今天我女儿在我洗澡的时候走进来，她说：“嘿，你的那玩意和迪伦的一样大呢！”我女儿见过迪伦的那玩意了。迪伦的那玩意和我的一样大。我女儿和迪伦都是7岁。FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML

Today, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML

Today,when I had a masturbating I saw that my sister was having a sex with my brother.FML

今天，我ZW的时候看见我姐和我哥在OOXX。FML

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

今天，我在学校的杂耍秀上被催眠了。很明显，当我被要求去做一件“我特别喜欢做的事情”时，我开始和地板激烈地OOXX。FML

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend ＄20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

今天，我才发现我妈在我和我哥们十岁的时候，给了他20刀来雇他当我的朋友。FML

Today, I was going on a plane to Chicago. My passport picture is 6 years old, and back then I was a beautiful model. Now, I gave birth to a child and gained 50 lbs. When I showed my passport to the airport atendents, I got arrested for stealing someones passport. FML

今天，我准备坐飞机前往芝加哥。我的护照照片是6年前拍的；那时候我还是个很漂亮可爱的小模特。现在，我生了个孩子，体重长了50磅。于是乎当我给机场人员出示护照时，我被以“偷窃他人护照”的罪名逮捕。FML

day, I looked down to see a tiny spider crawling on the inside of my leg, very close to my crotch. When I tried to brush it off, it only flew a couple inches because it was making a web between my legs. Even a spider knew that it's been awhile. FML

（这是个女的）今天我朝下看，发现一只蜘蛛在我的大腿内侧爬，很靠近我那里。当我想打掉它的时候，它飞行了几英寸，因为它正在我的腿间织网。连蜘蛛都知道我这里好久没用过了。FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上**做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

今天，和我结婚超过20年的老婆告诉我说她想啊要离婚，因为她想要“改变一下生活”。她那发型从1984年起就没换过。FML

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

今天，我在外面和朋友逛。我6岁的小女儿也和我们在一起。在经过一个停车场时，我的女儿非常大声地问我：“妈咪，KJ尝起来很糟糕吗？”FML

Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn't go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML

今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的JJ。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

今天，我的父母造访我的公寓的时候，我养的鸟开始大吵大闹。它在模仿我昨天晚上**做的事的时候的呻吟声。此鸟一直在用我的声音尖叫着，特别容易分辨。FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

今天，我妈把我叫到楼下；我以为她会终于给我来一场“人生当中最重要的演讲”（虽说晚了能有四年之久）。于是她让我坐下，握住我的手，用温柔的、充满母爱的表情告诉我说：“宝贝，如果你有一天突然怀孕了的话，我就把你和你的小崽子都杀了。”FML

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

今天，我终于鼓起勇气，向一个非常可爱的女孩表白说已经喜欢她超过8个月了。结果我发现她不是女的。FML

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lenbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FML

Today, my mom came to wake me up because my alarm didn't go off. She brought my dog in to wake me up and he came and laid on bed. I started to rub what i thought was his neck and playing with a random tuft of fur. I soon realized that it was his penis. I gave my dog a handjob. FML

今天，我妈来叫我起床，因为我的闹钟没响。她让我的狗来把我叫醒，于是狗进到屋子里来，躺倒了床上。我开始抚摸我认为是它的脖子的地方，也玩了玩一团不知是它身上哪里的毛。然后我意识到了，那是它的JJ。也就是说我帮我的狗打灰机了。FML

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to f*** off. FML

今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句滚NMLGB。FML

Today, I had a terrible dream where my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I woke up almost crying and called him just to tell him how much he means to me. Turns out my dream gave him that little extra push he needed to confess he's been cheating on me. With his ex. FML

今天，我做了个噩梦，梦见了我的男朋友背着我和他的前女友搞外遇。我几乎是哭着醒了过来，立刻打电话给他，告诉他他对我来说是多么重要。结果，我的梦反倒成了他向我坦白他的罪行的推动力——他确实是在背着我搞外遇。和他的前女友。FML

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had payed the bill, she said she was a lenbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

今天，我和我认为一定会娶的女孩共享晚餐。一切都很顺利。结账之后，她跟我说她是同志。就在我认为事情不能再糟的时候，她向我挑战，说要比赛看谁能先把到妹。我输了。FML

Today, I overheard my parents having sex. Trying to be the reasonable person I was, I dismissed it, realizing that sex is just normal. I quickly walked past their room when my cat ran past me into their room, cracking open the door. Now my parents think I was peeping and need therapy. FML

今天，我听到了我父母在OOXX。试着做一位看得开的人，我马上打消了奇怪的想法，因为我知道食色性也嘛。我快速地经过了他们的房门，可是就在此时我的猫经过我身边跑进了他们的卧室，把门给撞开了——现在我的父母以为我在偷看，而且需要看心理医生。FM

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

今天，我用了从纽约到波士顿大客车上的厕所，小心翼翼地在马桶座上盖了20多张单片厕纸。在我嘘嘘的时候，客车越过了一处凸起的路面，来了个急转弯——于是我裸露的整片PP都被飞溅起来的尿花和屎花溅满了。而且那些都不是我的。FML

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

今天，我去游泳了。当我从非常拥挤的泳池里钻出来时，一个小女孩跑过来指着我大喊：“妈咪，我长大了以后，也想要大大的**。”我今年16。我是个男的。FML

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to f*** off. FML

今天，在婚礼彩排的时候，我妈跟我丈母娘说了句滚NMLGB。FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

今天，我妈决定向我介绍她的新男友。我认识他。我和他上过床。FML

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

今天，我去游泳了。当我从非常拥挤的泳池里钻出来时，一个小女孩跑过来指着我大喊：“妈咪，我长大了以后，也想要大大的**。”我今年16。我是个男的。FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

今天，我和我的女朋友在OOXX……她开始越来越重地喘气：“啊，啊，啊……”所以我以为她要丢了。然后，我的脸上和脖子上到处都是鼻涕。原来她当时是要打喷嚏。FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

今天，我妈决定向我介绍她的新男友。我认识他。我和他上过床。FML