Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML

今天，我和我的女朋友在OOXX……她开始越来越重地喘气：“啊，啊，啊……”所以我以为她要丢了。然后，我的脸上和脖子上到处都是鼻涕。原来她当时是要打喷嚏。FML

Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

今天，我和我的未婚夫去医院看望他那奄奄一息的祖母。她开始向我们谈论要充实地过好每一天。他的祖母指着我说：“生命很短暂。这就是为什么你不能浪费时间，去和长得像这副模样的女人胡干。”FML

Today, I went to visit my fiance's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

今天，我和我的未婚夫去医院看望他那奄奄一息的祖母。她开始向我们谈论要充实地过好每一天。他的祖母指着我说：“生命很短暂。这就是为什么你不能浪费时间，去和长得像这副模样的女人胡干。”FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

今天，我在俱乐部外面遇到了一个非常性感的男生。我们回到了我的公寓，做了爱做的事。然后我们都睡着了。我醒来的时候发现床头柜上多了刚开始没有的20美刀。他以为我是Ji。很明显，还是个便宜的。FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "f*** me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

今天，我准备和我的西班牙男友OOXX。我想要让他更high一点，于是我去问我的朋友怎么样用西班牙语说“干_我”。她告诉我说是“pollo frito”。然后我就去OX了，在那一个小时里一直不停地尖叫着pollo frito。后来我才知道我当时是在尖叫“炸_鸡”。FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

今天，我觉得如果我趁我的室友熟睡的时候向他嘴里放个屁一定很有趣。我走向了他，脱掉了睡裤就来了一下。我有点吃惊地发现那屁感觉特别水，然后就没控制住，拉到他脸上了。他醒了过来，把我一直打到吐血。FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

今天，我在俱乐部外面遇到了一个非常性感的男生。我们回到了我的公寓，做了爱做的事。然后我们都睡着了。我醒来的时候发现床头柜上多了刚开始没有的20美刀。他以为我是Ji。很明显，还是个便宜的。FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "f*** me" in Spanish. She claimed it was "pollo frito". I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

今天，我准备和我的西班牙男友OOXX。我想要让他更high一点，于是我去问我的朋友怎么样用西班牙语说“干_我”。她告诉我说是“pollo frito”。然后我就去OX了，在那一个小时里一直不停地尖叫着pollo frito。后来我才知道我当时是在尖叫“炸_鸡”。FML

Today, I went to my friends house when his parents were out to smoke weed. 45 minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they'd be home 5 minutes. We sprayed the house with Lysol and Frebreeze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush; it was bug spray and shaving cream. FML

今天，我趁着我朋友父母不在家的时候去他家吸大（度娘）麻。在爽了45分钟后，他的父母打电话来说他们5分钟以后就到家。我们试图在房子里喷些来沙尔消毒剂和空气清新剂来盖住这个味道。我们当时急得像热锅上的蚂蚁——结果我们喷的实际上是杀虫剂和剃须膏。FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart in my roommates mouth while he was asleep. I walked over to him and pulled my pyjamas down and let loose. To my surprise it was a very wet one and I accidently took a dump on his face, he woke up and beat me until I was bleeding. FML

今天，我觉得如果我趁我的室友熟睡的时候向他嘴里放个屁一定很有趣。我走向了他，脱掉了睡裤就来了一下。我有点吃惊地发现那屁感觉特别水，然后就没控制住，拉到他脸上了。他醒了过来，把我一直打到吐血。FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

今天，我忘了做法语作业，但是因为这作业是个在网上做的小卷，我就告诉我的老师我家互联网断了。我写了封电子邮件告诉她的。FML

Today, I went to my friends house when his parents were out to smoke weed. 45 minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they'd be home 5 minutes. We sprayed the house with Lysol and Frebreeze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush; it was bug spray and shaving cream. FML

今天，我趁着我朋友父母不在家的时候去他家吸大（度娘）麻。在爽了45分钟后，他的父母打电话来说他们5分钟以后就到家。我们试图在房子里喷些来沙尔消毒剂和空气清新剂来盖住这个味道。我们当时急得像热锅上的蚂蚁——结果我们喷的实际上是杀虫剂和剃须膏。FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

今天，我忘了做法语作业，但是因为这作业是个在网上做的小卷，我就告诉我的老师我家互联网断了。我写了封电子邮件告诉她的。FML

171、Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML

今天，我七点多才起床。我觉得胃里恶心得难受因为昨天晚上是我的单身汉聚会，我从来都没喝过那么多的酒。我看了下手机，发现我有42条未接来电。当时是晚上七点。我的婚礼本该在今天举行。FML

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML

今天，我轧扁了一只松鼠。我看到了它在抽搐，所以我又倒了下车，让它少受折磨死得痛快点。那不是只松鼠，是只小猫。养猫的孩子们眼睁睁地看着我轧扁了他们的猫。两次。FML

Today, my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn't doing the naughty in my bed. The bed was clean. My face wasn't. FML

今天，我那保护欲过强的老妈决定用黑光灯检查我的房间，确认我没在做(＄*&%#的事情。床很干净。可我的脸不是。FML

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently f***ed a spider. FML

今天，我在用袜子打灰机，突然感觉我的JJ上有什么东西。我立刻把袜子拉了下来扔到了地板上……然后看着一只巨大的蜘蛛从里面嗖嗖地爬了出来。我一个不小心就C了只蜘蛛。FML

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequins ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then proceeded to slap it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

今天，我在和我女友逛梅西百货。我停了下来欣赏一个假人的臀部，和我的女友开玩笑要摸摸它。然后我就啪地拍了一下。那不是个假人。FML

171、Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML

今天，我七点多才起床。我觉得胃里恶心得难受因为昨天晚上是我的单身汉聚会，我从来都没喝过那么多的酒。我看了下手机，发现我有42条未接来电。当时是晚上七点。我的婚礼本该在今天举行。FML

我靠，纯净水

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML

今天，我发现我网恋了一年多的女孩其实是个感觉非常无聊的14岁男孩。FML

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML

今天，我轧扁了一只松鼠。我看到了它在抽搐，所以我又倒了下车，让它少受折磨死得痛快点。那不是只松鼠，是只小猫。养猫的孩子们眼睁睁地看着我轧扁了他们的猫。两次。FML

Today, a car floated slowly into my lane from the left with no signal. She gazed at the right turn like it was going to kiss her. "What the f***, lady?" I shouted, slamming on my brakes. Two seconds later I hear a tiny voice in my back seat, "What fut, YADY?!" My 22 month old son's first full sentence. FML

今天，一辆车慢慢地从左面开到了我的车道里面，信号灯都没开。她凝视着右转向就好像它要亲她似的。“你TM的搞毛啊，女士?!”我大吼一声猛踩刹车。两秒钟以后，我就听到后座传来一个细小的声音：“泥TM滴高猫丫，绿石?!”这是我22个月大的儿子的第一句完整的话。FML

Today, my over-protective mom decided to do a blacklight test on my room to make sure I wasn't doing the naughty in my bed. The bed was clean. My face wasn't. FML

今天，我那保护欲过强的老妈决定用黑光灯检查我的房间，确认我没在做(＄*&%#的事情。床很干净。可我的脸不是。FML

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently f***ed a spider. FML

今天，我在用袜子打灰机，突然感觉我的JJ上有什么东西。我立刻把袜子拉了下来扔到了地板上……然后看着一只巨大的蜘蛛从里面嗖嗖地爬了出来。我一个不小心就C了只蜘蛛。FML

Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequins ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then proceeded to slap it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML

今天，我在和我女友逛梅西百货。我停了下来欣赏一个假人的臀部，和我的女友开玩笑要摸摸它。然后我就啪地拍了一下。那不是个假人。FML

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

今天，我得作一个关于阿道夫.希特勒的演讲。我想说明他曾是一个非常出色的演讲家，非常会调动群众的情绪。结果，我给说成了：“希特勒的嘴上功夫让所有人都爽得无法自控”FML

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over a year is actually a very bored 14 year old boy. FML

今天，我发现我网恋了一年多的女孩其实是个感觉非常无聊的14岁男孩。FML

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

今天，我去一家杂货店买东西。我没在意外表如何，所以就穿了件旧T恤，上面写着：“我上亿的孩子们昨晚死在你们女儿的脸上了”。我在杂货店刚好撞见我女友的爹妈。FML

Today, a car floated slowly into my lane from the left with no signal. She gazed at the right turn like it was going to kiss her. "What the f***, lady?" I shouted, slamming on my brakes. Two seconds later I hear a tiny voice in my back seat, "What fut, YADY?!" My 22 month old son's first full sentence. FML

今天，一辆车慢慢地从左面开到了我的车道里面，信号灯都没开。她凝视着右转向就好像它要亲她似的。“你TM的搞毛啊，女士?!”我大吼一声猛踩刹车。两秒钟以后，我就听到后座传来一个细小的声音：“泥TM滴高猫丫，绿石?!”这是我22个月大的儿子的第一句完整的话。FML

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

今天，我去一家杂货店买东西。我没在意外表如何，所以就穿了件旧T恤，上面写着：“我上亿的孩子们昨晚死在你们女儿的脸上了”。我在杂货店刚好撞见我女友的爹妈。FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

今天，我拿回了我的数学考卷。我教授根本没花时间把错误挑出来，只是在卷子的下半部分画了个大圈，写了句“额滴神”。FML

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

今天，我得作一个关于阿道夫.希特勒的演讲。我想说明他曾是一个非常出色的演讲家，非常会调动群众的情绪。结果，我给说成了：“希特勒的嘴上功夫让所有人都爽得无法自控”FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

今天，我拿回了我的数学考卷。我教授根本没花时间把错误挑出来，只是在卷子的下半部分画了个大圈，写了句“额滴神”。FM

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

今天，我正在回家的路上，突然看见了一个JC藏在一辆Budget（一家租车公司）卡车后面藏着。我立刻减速，祈祷他不会给我开票。然后我意识到了我不过是在走路。FML

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

今天，我正在回家的路上，突然看见了一个JC藏在一辆Budget（一家租车公司）卡车后面藏着。我立刻减速，祈祷他不会给我开票。然后我意识到了我不过是在走路。FML

Today, I was trying to register for a p*** site. I secretly took my father's credit card, but all I got back was a "this credit card is already in use." FML

今天，我试着在一家SQ网站上注册。我把我老爹的信用卡偷了出来，但是它给我的回复是：“此卡已被使用”。FML

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

今天，我终于在舌头上上了个舌环，所以我决定给我的女友KJ。不幸的是，她在她那里上的环和我的舌环缠到一起去了，我们俩怎么努力都分不开。最后不得不把我妈叫来解决这个问题……FML

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I 无效ed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

今天，我去了麦当劳的驾车外卖口。正准备开走的时候，我检查了下点的吃的，发现卖东西的女士不小心把“开心乐园餐”里面的《博物馆奇妙夜》主题的玩具放到我的袋子里了。我兴奋地要死，结果竟把车开到了栏杆上。我今年36。FML

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new ｂｏｄｙ wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

今天，我在冲凉的时候发现了个新的沐浴露，叫做“光芒四射彩带”。名字听起来没多少男子气概，不过味道闻起来倒是挺有男子气，而且唯一的另一选择是块普通的肥皂，所以我就用了。就在刚刚，我到了户外才知道“光芒四射彩带”到底是什么意思——我现在身上闪闪发光。FML

Today, I was trying to register for a p*** site. I secretly took my father's credit card, but all I got back was a "this credit card is already in use." FML

今天，我试着在一家SQ网站上注册。我把我老爹的信用卡偷了出来，但是它给我的回复是：“此卡已被使用”。FML

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

今天，我终于在舌头上上了个舌环，所以我决定给我的女友KJ。不幸的是，她在她那里上的环和我的舌环缠到一起去了，我们俩怎么努力都分不开。最后不得不把我妈叫来解决这个问题……FML

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching TV, randomly she starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited she says to me "Just Joking". FML

今天，我的女友和我在看电视，突然她没来由地就解开了我的裤带，解开了裤拉链，把我的裤子拽了下来。就在我感觉开始有点爽的时候她说：“逗你玩！！”FML

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I 无效ed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

今天，我去了麦当劳的驾车外卖口。正准备开走的时候，我检查了下点的吃的，发现卖东西的女士不小心把“开心乐园餐”里面的《博物馆奇妙夜》主题的玩具放到我的袋子里了。我兴奋地要死，结果竟把车开到了栏杆上。我今年36。FML

Today my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

今天，我的男朋友在动物园向我求婚了。用钻戒棒棒糖。而且他是认真的。FML

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new ｂｏｄｙ wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

今天，我在冲凉的时候发现了个新的沐浴露，叫做“光芒四射彩带”。名字听起来没多少男子气概，不过味道闻起来倒是挺有男子气，而且唯一的另一选择是块普通的肥皂，所以我就用了。就在刚刚，我到了户外才知道“光芒四射彩带”到底是什么意思——我现在身上闪闪发光。FML

Today my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

今天，我的男朋友在动物园向我求婚了。用钻戒棒棒糖。而且他是认真的。FML

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my ｂｏｄｙ and my bike is in two pieces. FML

今天，我骑车上班。在路上的时候，我做了个“左转”的手势——这时一辆经过的相反路上的车直转向我，试图和我来个击掌。 我现在身上全是伤，我的自行车碎成了俩。FML